I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
