My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
