I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
