ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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