Will you blow on my dice?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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