I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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