Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize