Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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