Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize