she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
