I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
