I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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