i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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