Midget sex pt 2 tonight
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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