Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
