OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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