I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
