He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I could make wine with my vomit
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
