Swine flu. Run for my life!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
