A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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