Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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