One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
