when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
