i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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