I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
