You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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