Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I've blown a few things in my day
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
