I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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