Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
