I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
