Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
