Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
