You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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