The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
