if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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