dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
