My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
