First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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