i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize