Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
