stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
