I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
