i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
