Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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