I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize