Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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