I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
