He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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