hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
