I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
