do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
