I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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