That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
