I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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