Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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