WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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