i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
