I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
