I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
