you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
