Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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