I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
