this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Houston, we have a blender
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
