Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
