I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's always time for handjobs
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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