Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
